I had let Him down badly - why would He want my company? Oh I knew I would still end up in Heaven, because God would keep His promise, and stick to me. I often thought that when I got to Heaven, I'd be dumped in the back blocks somewhere, but I wouldn't be welcome up at the "House".
That led to despair. Despair aggravated by my memories of my sins. As a young child the worst thing I did was lie. I didn't steal, cheat, give cheek, mix with the wrong kind of kids, (no other kids – right or wrong – wanted me).
And as a married woman, my biggest "obvious" sins were being untidy, overeating and being critical. I didn't drink, smoke or gamble. But these things had never been a bone of contention between God and me. He just continually chipped away at them.
The thing that had ALWAYS affected my relationship with God had been my hassles with sex. My sexual experimenting when I was a teenager; my bitterness and resentment of Bob's incessant demands; being sexually attracted to the wrong men; battling sexual fantasies.
My early understanding of God came through the churches. And what sin did churches thunder against most? Immorality! And what did they mean by immorality? A lust for sex!
Murder, theft, lying – were all described as sinful – but they were never referred to as being immoral! That was why I always felt so degraded, so depraved, so intrinsically evil. And, in a way, getting to know God better actually made it worse. God was holy – I was anything but! Christ was pure - I didn't know the meaning of the word! I just wanted to crawl under a rock. As the saying goes, I felt so low that I could have walked under a snake with my umbrella up. Yes – I thought of suicide. But I couldn't think of any explanation that God would accept.
Our children came quickly, so perhaps for a while I didn't notice how lonely I was. Also my in-laws were very kind and supportive. But as time went on the loneliness of spirit and soul really started to bite. I didn't seem to be able to get close to God because of my constant fights with Him over Bob. Because of being pregnant so often, (with miscarriages in between), I couldn't build up strong ties with my local church, as my attendance was spasmodic. Also, this was in a small country town, and I was still regarded more or less as a stranger, so I didn't fit in anywhere. However, God in His kindness, provided me with one dear lady who became my spiritual mother.
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Orignal From: I had let Him down badly
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